- New Hampshire author and mother of two grown boys Katrina Kenison has emerged this year as one of my favorite writers. She was recently on a book tour in California and she posted this blog about a man, who was sitting on a street corner with a sign “free empathy.” Her blog talks about a woman who sat and poured her heart out to this stranger because she needed someone to sit and listen. http://www.katrinakenison.com/2013/02/20/free-empathy/. I loved it.
- Last week, one morning before daycare, I ducked into a small coffee shop with my two-year old, Owen, to escape the bitter cold and wind. We sat down next to a friendly 40-something overweight and tired-looking woman who commented on Owen, his age and his cute way of waving out the window at the people on the sidewalk walking by. She told me she had a daughter. (HAD?) She proceeded to tell me that she was just sitting in the coffee shop to pass the time as she was waiting for her therapist. Her daughter has passed away several years ago of sleep apnea, and died in her sleep—she was only 16. She told me her daughter’s name, that she liked Tim Burton movies (I do too!) and that she was a good student. I told her that I had no words for her story it was so sad and I was so sorry -- and her response was very poignant. “Thanks for listening.”
- I am working with a new CEO who is 26 days in to the position. His resume is impressive and he has spent the majority of his career in other CEO and C-level roles at other companies. His number one initiative for his first 100 days is to embark on a “Listening Tour.” He said he wants to visibly listen, learn and not say much. “What people look for in a leader is leadership,” he said. “And, a good leader is someone who will listen and learn.” Again, that act of listening!
- It will be close to 10 months since Owen had his surgery for ear tubes. I like to say that he found the world on that day. We walk to school every morning and he continuously asks, “What’s that?” We talk about all the sounds we hear, from bells ringing to street sweepers whooshing to the clanging of the big metal plates in the road and even the fire engines. But, he just doesn’t hear the sounds; he actively listens for them and then rejoices in each one. We are both appreciative of a world that is brand new.
I think
it is in my blood as a communications person to be a talker – that is how we
are trained. But are we great at listening? Studies have shown that while speaking
raises blood pressure, listening brings it down.
And, listening
is definitely not the same thing as hearing.
Hearing refers to the sounds that you hear, while listening is way more
than that: it requires focus (like Owen’s focus for new sounds on our way to
school every day). Listening means paying attention not only to the story, but
how it is told, the use of language and voice, and body language. (I knew
that woman in the coffee shop had a sadness about her the minute we looked at
her.)
We are
trained to fill in the silence with our own voice and point of view—whether on
a phone call or in a meeting or with my sons or my husband or just a random
person in a coffee shop. Just giving the silence space and listening to see
what might fill it and how you can absorb it is a very special skill that I
(for one) am trying hard to develop. So
I will make it a focus not just to try, but also to become a better listener.
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