Silent Sadness

Precursor: This post is a bit heavy, but I use writing as a therapeutic tool sometimes to share my stories. It has taken me nearly two years to share this story -- if this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. I also believe that writing lets us unveil our true authentic selves. I am someone who thrives on community and connectedness and through writing and sharing (warts and all) we can truly connect to one another and see that we have the same fears, same longings, same hopes; and it opens up new ways of healing, laughing, loving. A thread of my story might be your story, a friend or a sister. Thanks for reading and allowing me to share.

From ohpregnantme.com

I had two children already, so I felt guilty for feeling like I did, but I was devastated. It was a pain I didn't want to share; and, at the time, did not even find the mourning space it so deserved.

After the 2012 New Year, I vowed that one of my resolutions would be to take care of my 40-year-old self. I booked a mammogram and went in for the appointment. The doctor asked if there was any chance I was pregnant.

“Um… I don’t think so.” They wanted to be sure, and did some traditional tests. Guess what, you are pregnant—baby number three. I was shocked, thrilled, cried, scared and called Paul. It was our new reality- we were expecting baby number three. 

We called our parents and their reactions ranged from “holy crap” to pure joy. Babies are a happy event. I went to the doctor, heard the heartbeat, felt exhausted, felt sick, and had heartburn. All was good, and as it should be with baby three.

We went on a February vacation to my sister’s house in NH. I was nearly nine weeks along and didn’t want to share the news broadly with everyone just yet. But, Paul felt differently; and in his excitement, blurted out our “secret” news to all our extended family members.

That week, in NH, not in my own home, not in my own bed and not near my doctor, I miscarried baby number three. Although my immediate family and my extended family were there, I was alone in my loss and in my grief. That was nearly two years ago. I still have moments of sadness for the baby that never was. A pregnancy loss is common in the first trimester, but it doesn't replace how you feel when it happens to you. I didn’t want to be a statistic—that one out of the four women who had a miscarriage. I wanted to be the other three women. I just wanted my pregnancy back and all the plans we had made to be a family of five.

Many people don’t know what to say when a friend or family member losses a pregnancy. I heard everything. “Well, at least you already have two healthy boys.  The fun is trying again. It happened for a reason. There must have been something wrong. It wasn’t meant to be. These things happen to everyone. Maybe you are just meant to have two kids. I think you have all you can handle. God has a plan.”

I am sympathetic that people really don’t know what to say or how to respond. (God knows I have often found it difficult to know what to say, and probably have resorted to some of the above cliché statements.). But, none of these things were anything close to what I wanted to hear or needed to hear. All I needed was a hug, a good cry and someone to listen to my heartache. I cried in silence and felt guilty to mourn on our “vacation.”

In a few short weeks, Paul and I had planned and changed our lives on paper and in our head. We built a lifetime as the mommy and daddy of three children. We started talking about names and possible birthdates (since I would deliver by C-section and the due date was so close to Liam’s birthday). I felt empty inside and so did Paul. From the moment I heard about baby three, I had a lifetime of love and connection.  

So many women (and some of them related to me) have also suffered in silence. They have cried in the comfort of their own room, in the shower, at the doctor’s office or even not at all.  Some of them have had children after miscarriages, some haven’t.  Some women are embarrassed and think it is their fault. Some women have had multiple miscarriages and have never found out why they can’t carry a child to term.

I suffered in silence for a long time – and sometimes still do. Sure I had some wonderful friends who cried with me, called me regularly just to make sure I was doing OK and urged me to find the space to be sad. I am so grateful for them. 

But, as I prepare for the holiday season and start to throw away old toys that the boys have outgrown, sell my old baby equipment and determine what I am going to do with old clothes that have been outgrown, I live it all over again. Baby three might never be.

Layer in social media on top of it all. In our social media world, the worst thing for me at the highest point of my grief was opening up Facebook and seeing that my friends were pregnant, or just had a baby. Or even reading People magazine at the dentist’s office and flipping the pages that included information on the latest “celebrity baby bump.” It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for my friends and family – but just so sad about my own loss.  

People who have no idea about my story still innocently ask if Paul and I are “done” or if we are going to try for number three before I get too far into my 40’s. I sometimes open up to them and share my story and my journey since that cold week in late February.  On a bad day, when Owen is screaming like three-year olds do, when baths are not done and Liam’s homework is looming, when bedtime is a mess of crying, tantrums and not sleeping and we are running like crazy people down the sidewalk to get to school on time, my response is “two is enough!”  

Today, I am accepting and give my loss the respect it deserves. I give thanks for my life with my two boys -- these beautiful, curious, joyful, wonderful souls. I felt for a long time that a puzzle piece of our family was missing. Now, two years later, I don’t feel that way. We have movie night, we are able to sleep in on the weekends, and I can take a shower while they play together. I still miss ‘Baby Three’ and the little soul whom we will never know during this lifetime. However, grief and gratitude are mutually exclusive, and I feel overly blessed to have on loan my two angels, Liam and Owen -- my greatest teachers and most precious gifts.

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

22 Things To Be Grateful For: From Wine to Facebook and Everything in Between

Each November, since Facebook became a part of my life, I have publically taken part in the daily posting frenzy that lists “what I am thankful for” as a precursor to the annual Thanksgiving holiday.  The ritual is a wonderful reminder to make gratitude a part of our everyday thinking and awareness. I am always grateful for all the gifts “of the ordinary day,” and those little things like warm fuzzy socks, a home cooked meal or a phone call from a friend; they are some of the most delightful happenings from day-to-day. But, there are also the big bucket items I am thankful for too. 

For some reason, this year I have not taken part in the Facebook posting "thankful" trend, although, I really like it and enjoy reading other people's posts. So instead, this year, here they are in one lumpy list! 

"22 Things I am Most Grateful For." The first 12 are the "must be thankful for's. Numbers 13-22 are "I haven't had a nervous breakdown thankful for's." Enjoy! 

1.) My husband, Paul. I don't know who is more nutty -- him or me. But I do know that his unwavering support of “all-things Erin” is constant and unmatched by anyone I have ever known. (Even if we do cheer for different baseball teams).

2.) My two beautiful boys, Liam and Owen. They make me cry, laugh and grow more gray hairs and wrinkles daily. AND… they are worth it all. They are independent thinkers, joyous souls and two of my greatest teachers. They are also my greatest achievements and creations. I am so filled by being their momma.

3.) My friends. New friends; Old friends; Gay friends; Straight friends; Married friends; Single friends; Divorced friends; Southern friends; Northern friends; Mommy friends; Work friends. I am so very grateful for each of them. I learn something every day from every one of you. Thank you for the roles you all play in my journey.

4.) My mom and dad. Both my parents are happy, healthy, still married to each other and more importantly still driving me bonkers. I love them deeply and I am so very grateful they are in good health and with me in this life. I am glad I choose them. My world would be a lonely place without their daily calls on iChat. 

5.) My sister! Talk about a role model for a multitasking momma -- my sister Shannon is the Queen. If she is not figuring out play dates, returning/buying items to the Mall and carpooling her kids to football, karate, gymnastics, baseball, cheerleading, then she is folding laundry, cooking dinner and all while looking like a 20-year old rock star! I am grateful for her ongoing advice, the peacemaker she is, and for making it look so easy. And she married a great dude too.... love that guy.

6.) My brothers! What a bunch of Irish drunks. Just kidding! My brothers – John and Patrick -- are two of the funniest, most loving people I know. This month, they are both growing mustaches for “Movember charity month.” We are all hoping they shave off those suckers before Christmas. I am grateful for their sense of humor, their listening ear and for their constant phone calls to check in on their big sister. I am also thankful of their wife selection. My sister-in-laws are totally cool working mommas.

7.) My nieces and nephews. To be around all these children is a gift. From the giggling to the loving squabbles with one another, it is pure sweet, gooey yumminess when you watch and witness and soak in all the love.

8.) My in-laws. So kind, non- judgmental and compassionate. The night the Red Sox won the World Series, my father-in-law called me at midnight to congratulate me on the win. He knew I needed someone in New York to celebrate with that night! (Keep in mind, he is a life-long Mets fan, and I married his son, the Yankee fan.)

9.) My business and my clients. In Feb. 2008, I took a leap of faith to start a business and take a risk. I wouldn’t be doing this today if I didn’t have clients who trust their communication programs and platforms to my business. I can’t even explain in this post how grateful I am that my clients allow me to live the life I have always wanted, before I knew I wanted it!

10.) Liam and Owen’s schools. Schools are supposed to be a place of safety, nurturing and learning. On Dec. 14^th last year, a lone gunman in Connecticut shattered that world. The schools my boys attend are not only wonderful places of wonder, learning and love, but they have solid processes for safety. For that I am so very grateful.

11.) Spirituality. I have been on a journey to uncover all sorts of ways to nurture my soul and pass it on to my children and my husband. I am grateful for the many teachers, mentors and guides who are steering me along and opening up my eyes to discovering new things. Now, if only I could harness this meditation thing!


12.) My health. I am so thankful to be in good health! Whether it is a trip to the dentist without cavities or a visit to the doctor that results in "see you in a year." As I dash through my 40’s (and they are sort of flying by) it is more important than ever to remember to put SPF on my face, take vitamins and be good to my body.

OK- now it gets real!

13.) Boston Sports. Hell ya! There is nothing greater in sports then being a Boston sports fan living in New York during the last decade! I am grateful for the Red Sox winning the World Series, and the Patriots' heroic game ending touchdown wins. But, overall, I am just grateful for Boston Sports. This town is all about Boston Strong! Not just this year, but each year. We have come to expect that one of our Boston teams will be a contender every year for some championship. Now, I only wish my boys would realize that cheering for Boston would be considered in the category of “winning!”

14.) Running. I am so grateful to have started running again this year. I "fixed" my foot problem and after a two-year hiatus, I laced up my shoes and became a regular on the East River and in Central Park. I won’t be doing any marathons anytime soon- but at least I am out there. And, running helped me to process the horrible acts that happened on April 15 in Boston at the marathon. I can’t tell you how many times this year I have cried while on a run just thinking about the events that transpired on that day. And running is my time -- no one asking me for a juice box or Sponge Bob blasting from the TV. PEACE. 

15.) A washer and dryer in my house. OK- this is a very important item on the list. For any New Yorker living in an apartment, you feel me on this one right? I hate the piles of clean laundry waiting to be folded, but I hated the piles of dirty laundry even more that had to be shipped out to the wash and fold. So I am thankful for my machines and that I can do my laundry in my pajamas at midnight if I so choose.

16.) Fresh Direct. What an invention. I can sit on my computer (again in my pajamas) any time I want and just order my groceries. They come to my house the next day. This one is a no-brainer for any busy momma. Thank you Fresh Direct.

17.) New York City. My love affair with this city continues even after 12 years and living near the 2^nd Ave Subway construction. It keeps me forever curious. From Broadway to the Bowery, I never have an excuse to be bored. 

18.) Facebook & Social Media. I know, I know. I am a Facebook junkie. But, I am grateful for Facebook because it has allowed me to stay connected to so many people. I love connectedness and community and this has provided a wonderful avenue for honoring that, which I hold sacred. And, I feel great when you all "like" my pictures and posts. Lets face it... don't we all!

19.) My warm comfy bed. It is getting cold outside, and I have a place to snuggle with my family every night -- together. Is there anything better than putting your head on the pillow at night next to the people you love the most in the world? (Yes, sometimes all four of us are in the same bed!) And, also, I never get enough sleep, so when I am in my warm and comfy bed, life is all good.

20.) A morning cup of coffee. Whether it is an iced French Vanilla coffee from D&Ds or a Keurig homemade cup of coffee in a large mug -- I love the morning ritual of coffee. I like the way it feels to walk the streets with a cup in my hand, or sit at my desk and sip it during a morning meeting. I also like how it kicks me in the ass in the morning and gives me the get up and go that I often need to move it, move it.

21.) My momma mafia. These mommas know how to throw down. Whether it is sticking up for your kid in the park, calling to see if your kid's latest puking session has passed or filling you in on the latest nanny gossip, I am so happy to have my network of moms. They are there for me so I don't feel crazy, allow me to use the eff word and will tell me if my butt looks good in a new pair of jeans. What is not to love and be grateful for? 

22.) My wine delivery guy. This guy loves us, and why wouldn't he? I think he actually delivers wine to our house several times a week. Paul and I love a good glass of vino and this guy knows exactly what to bring whenever we call him; he even has suggestions based on our typical order. In New York City, anything can be delivered. Thanks wine delivery!  

Of course there are so many things I didn't include like Friday movie night, the beach, our family vacations, the cool farm share and learning how to make kale chips (and kale everything), 80's music and Pandora, great fall boots, Liam's baseball games, and many many other blessings. 

I think I am caught up for the month. Now I can go back to bitching about the weather, how my children won't eat what I cook for dinner or how I never can seem to get enough sleep!